Helen Kubler Ross' Five Stages Of Grief

In a previous blog post titled "Handling Loss - Five Steps to Help Yourself & Others", I provided information on understanding loss and tips to be in a better position to help yourself and others work through their own loss. This post will help you to understand the different stages of loss or grief.

Helen Kubler Ross wrote a book titled “On Death and Dying.” This book outlines five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. An individual who is dying or has experienced a significant loss is most likely to experience most, if not all, of these stages. Also, there is no set order in which people experience the different stages of grief. The important thing is to understand the emotions and behaviors associated with each stage, which are as follows:

1.  Denial - this is when the person denies or rejects the actual loss. To provide an example of this stage and the following four stages, we will use an individual who has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. In this stage, the individual may deny the seriousness of the situation. They might make statements, such as “It can't be that serious… I feel fine” or “I'm sure they made a mistake in the diagnosis.” If someone is in denial, acknowledge that this is one of the stages of grief/loss. Allow the individual to work through that stage, unless they get stuck and intervention is needed.

2.   Anger - this is when the person moves beyond denial and becomes angry with or at the loss. For example, the individual with terminal cancer may make statements, such as “Why is this happening to me?” or “This isn't fair!” Being angry at something in which you feel you have no control is common among people. People often need to vent to get it out of their system. Allow the individual sufficient time and space to vent and work through their anger.

3.  Bargaining - this is when the person experiences a surge of hope and begins to make bargains. For example, the individual with cancer may make statements, such as “I will do anything to live a few more years” or “I will eat healthy meals and exercise daily, anything to stay alive!” We have all heard people make bargains when faced with a life-threatening situation; it is perfectly normal.

4.  Depression - this is when the person is no longer in denial, has worked through their anger, and realizes the futility of bargaining. They sink into a depressed state, not wanting to be around family members or friends. This may be difficult for the individual’s loved ones, but it is a stage that people need to go through.

5.  Acceptance - this is when the person understands the seriousness of their situation and is prepared to accept it as best as they can. They may make statements, such as ”Don't worry, it will be okay” or “I'm going to die so let me get my papers in order.” There is not much you can say at this point. It is best to simply support the individual in whatever manner they need.

Dealing with grief and loss can be tough but if you understand and recognize the five stages of grief/loss, you will be in a better position to help yourself and others who are experiencing loss.

Coach Sharon